Favorite Quotations

These are some quotations I really like. Look through them, enjoy, and don't forget to turn your irony detector on. I've finally gotten around to putting these in order, so they're organized by friends (or other people I know, i.e. non-literary quotations), cats (who would've guessed?), things I heard (like song lyrics), and things I read (authors grouped alphabetically, not by style or genre, so you'll get fun juxtapositions like Jane Austen and Woody Allen).

Pratchett quotations are here instead, in a feeble attempt to reduce the size of this file; similarly, Written Things are divided into A-K and L-Z

Friends

Maggie W.: "What are you girls doing with all that ice cream?"
Laura: "Eating it! It's brain food."
Shannon: "Hardly brain food, it's butt food."

If you're really good, you can put a sentence at the end that cauterizes the paper so it doesn't keep bleeding all over the place. A conclusion is like a prosthetic limb you don't need.

It's time for the hellschneft.

Happiness is two equations and two unknowns.

I'm trying really hard to be intelligent.

Sorry I'm late. I've been building a yurt all morning.

The only logical thing is to go and buy licorice.

Those who are happy tend to have people who make them feel good, not goods to make them feel like people.

Laura: My sweater has a hole in the elbow.
Maggie T.: Darn it.

I have this itching feeling in my subconscious that I don't have a husband, two kids, a cat and a car, if you know what I mean.

"Cheer up", people said to me, "things could be worse", so I cheered up, and sure enough, things did get worse.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 9 o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch...do it and you die."

Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.

Cats

A cat, I realize, cannot be everyone's cup of fur.

Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves everything he gets.

A house without a cat, and a well-fed, well-petted, and properly revered cat, may be a perfect house perhaps, but how can it prove its title?

Things I Heard

I can't remember where I put the bed!
I ain't moved it since '71
I got a real funny feeling I'm about to fall down
I hope I find my way to the ground
I'd hate to spend the whole night floating around
In the condition I'm in

I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone
Why I'm a stranger in my own life

Rose: Men are nothing but heartbreak and sorrow.
Hyacinth: I know. I can never get Richard to fold his pajamas.

I know there may be many Estonians married to Swedes who are listening to this program.

If you put your hand in and you get brain freeze, then you know it's cold.

Pope reveals shocking truth: Heaven is not the Paradise you think it is!

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